Max and Alvilda, Tonite: The Suntan Lotion Caper.

Max and Alvilda staying at the Kakslauttanen Igloos in Lapland, it was Max who noticed:  “Look Alvilda carved into the beam near the bed, ‘Jaakko Jokinen and Angelica consummated their relationship here under the Northern Lights November 25, 2015,’ how nice.” (for more Jaakko and Angelica adventure see: the greatly minaturized recorded reproductions part II)

Alvilda’s long, blonde hair lay across Max’s shoulder framing her twinkling blue eyes and rosy, afterglow cheeks.  Cozy under a down-alternative, lightweight, hypoallergenic comforter, the two love birds gaze through the clear dome of the igloo onto the night sky.

At first, the soft, muffled orchestrated music sounds intergalactic, “Wait a moment.”  Max abruptly sits up, Alvilda’s hair falls away.

Climbing out of bed, room temperature pleasant on his naked body, Max walks over to a pile of clothes on the floor, on top, his cell phone plays Elmer Bernstein’s theme to The Great Escape, “Hello, yes Chief.  You’re kidding.  You’re not kidding we’ll be on the next flight.” Signing off Max turns to Alvilda lying seductively, the comfortable comforter pulled to her waist, pauses knowing what he is about to say won’t be easy,  “Now then Alvilda,” hesitation and throat clearing, “You know that saying all good things must come to an end.”

The feel-good factor evaporates from Alvilda’s cheeks: “Yyyeess.”


“Out with it Max.”

Max:  “Chief didn’t go into details but we are to head home ASAP.  He has an urgent matter for us to attend.”

Well aware of her duty to country Alvilda breathes deep then exhales her naked breasts rise and fall, she pats the mattress, “Come back to bed Max we’ll work out the details later.”

Not a thought twice for Madness Management’s (M&M) best.

Alvilda and Max now back in the States, Chief speaks, “Sorry to cut your vacation short but I’ve asked you both to the Mackinaw Community Hospital to show you what those devils of Anarchy are up to,” Chief pulls back a blanket revealing the  hairless, shapely, muscular legs of citizen Angel Shifflebottom.

Max:  “Those are the nicest legs I’ve ever seen.”

Ms. Shifflebottom:  “Thanks.”

Alvilda: “Max!”

Chief:  “Max, please concentrate.”

Max:  “Sorry.  What are the red blotches?”

Chief hands Max a bottle of Ms. Merckles Miracle Tanning Medicine SPF 30, “Ms. Shifflebottom here was severely burned after applying some of this suntan lotion while lying out in the sun.”

Turning to Ms. Shifflebottom Max interjects, “You need to use a higher SPF rated lotion.”

“Max please.  Ms. Shifflebottom was burned not because of a poor choice but a deliberate one.”

Max:  “You mean she wanted to maim herself?”

Ms. Shifflebottom ignoring her burnt legs shifts to her left side, arm supporting her head so as to better hear.

“No, no Max one of our M&M agents contacted a double agent  who contacted a double, double agent,” snapping his fingers Chief interrupts himself, “That reminds me Max I have to put in an order with the Mrs., she is going to Southern California to visit her sister.”

Max not missing a beat, “What order would that be Chief?”

Chief, out of character, a juvenile look in his eyes, “Only an order for the best burger in the country In and Out Burger’s double, double burger:  two beef patties oozing with cheese, overstuffed with onion on a sesame seed bun.”

Max: “Sounds good I’ll take one, Alvilda?”

Alvilda, legs crossed, sitting next to Shifflebottom’s bed, “Sorry no, must watch the waist.”

The boys chime in unison,” What waist?”

Not wanting to miss out Ms. Shifflebottom, “Oh I’ll take a couple.”

Shaking his head and clearing his throat Chief comes back to present time, “Anyhow the double, double agent informed the double agent who in turned informed our agent that Anarchy is planning to stock grocery shelves in Washington State with a contaminated suntan lotion for which you see here the result,” Chief nods toward Ms. Shifflebottom’s legs lingering a moment.

“Nice aren’t they,” despite the burns Ms. Shifflebottom smiles she is proud of the props.

“Your mission Max, Alvilda should you decide to accept it, wait a minute what am I saying you have no choice but to accept.”  Chief mumbles, “I’ve got to stop watching late night spy shows.”

“You two must stop Anarchy and confiscate that contaminated lotion before it is too late.”

“Right Chief, come on Alvilda.”

“Ok Max lets nail these guys.”

“Oh hey that reminds me Max my nails need work,” Alvilda adds.

“Not now Alvilda, if that contaminated suntan lotion gets out why it would be as if a giant fish lay offshore gobbling up swimmers no one would go near the beaches.”

Saturday 9 a.m., a man in pressed black jeans, pointed, brown leather Eddy Bauer shoes, and black polo shirt walks up to the customer service counter at Local Growers Grocers in Vancouver, Washington, “Hi my name is Dennis with Mark Advantage and I am here today to restock the suntan lotion.”

The overworked, yet smiling clerk responds, “A-ha let me call the grocery manager.”

Max and Alvilda enter the same grocery moments later, dressed as Event Specialists:  black cap with red bill, black khakis with matching black Arrow shirt, black apron PLEASANT DISCOVERS in red lettering emblazoned across the front.  Locating the already stocked demo cart in the store’s stockroom Max speaks, “Wasn’t that nice of Chief to have the cart stocked?

“Yes Max.”

Max:  “Alvilda, remind me again what an Event Specialist is?”

Alvilda:  “Ok Max for the last time!

While Max pushes the sample cart toward a designated location on the sales floor Alvilda explains, “It is simple we hand out product samples at the same time supplying information to the public about said product, think Costco Max.”

Max:  “Oh yeah, I’ve taken many a date there for diner under the guise of clothes shopping.”

Alvilda turns to her beau:  “Mmmaaaxxx, really how could you!”

Max:  “Times were tough in the early days of spying, budgets, pay so I had to improvise”

For a moment, Alvilda did not blink her blue eyes stabbed at Max, “Forget about budgets we need to setup quickly.”

“Right,” Max’s tone lowers to bedroom voice, “Say Alvilda I’ve never seen you in black. Do you think Chief will let us keep the uniforms?”

“Max please,” Alvilda diverts M&M’s best agent’s attention, “Look from here we can watch Anarchy’s movements.”

In setting up this sting operation Chief, Max, and Alvilda overlooked one important detail.  They’d made sure the uniforms correct, boned up on the food samples they will be giving away (chocolate covered peanuts), and positioning the cart adjacent to Anarchy’s location, but thought nothing of how people react when getting something for nothing.  No sooner was the cart in place and setup the two agents were inundated with customer’s hands outstretched, “Feed me.”

The unexpected crowd hampers the surveillance of Anarchy but after minutes of mayhem Max places a BE BACK IN 15 MINUTES sign on the cart, “Ok Alvilda time to put an end to this devilish plan.”  Max and Alvilda fight their way through, “Pardon me ma’am, excuse me, pardon me.”

Stumbling out of the starting gate they pick up speed approaching the finish line, Anarchy.  Badges flash, “Agents of Madness Management, we know about the tainted lotion, surrender!”

Turning around the man comes face to face with Max, “Huh, what who are you?”

Confused Max replies, “You’re not the same man, who are you?”

Stunned Local Growers Grocer employee:  “Matt, I work here.”

“The man stocking shelves, where did he go,” Max inquires.

Dennis, with eyes in the back of his head, sensed pending arrest and during the flood of sample seekers slipped out undetected.

The befuddled clerk adds, “All I know is some hurried guy shoves a twenty in my hand and asks if I can finish stocking but when I told him of other duties and not to mention my boss not liking someone else telling me what to do, someone not employed…”

“Yes, yes alright, did you see which way did he went?”

“I think he went out the front door.”

“Tell your manager that all of this lotion is contaminated and to remove and discard it, let’s go Alvilda.”

“There he goes Max towards the Farmers Market”, Alvilda bellows as the two smartly dressed agents rush out the front door.

The two chase Anarchy through the parking lot and into the market where Dennis, recalling section 3 of A Spies Code Book, (When pursued by another agent through an outdoor market it is MANDATORY that you turnover tables and chairs to slow other agents and if people about you MUST knock into them and whenever possible, over), upends tables and chairs to which Max courteously tumbles over, both dodge and knock over unsuspecting market goers.  Alvilda falls behind.

Madge and Edgar walking their bikes through the packed market square are unaware of looming chaos, “Zowie, this chocolate, peanut butter almond ice cream is a winner, how is yours Madge?”

Caught in the middle of taking a bite and brain freeze Madge applies her tongue to the roof of her mouth, lips smacking she answers, “Oh Edgar the vanilla, strawberry, cashew, pistachio with the waffle cone is delicious!”

“I sure enjoy watching you conquer that cone Madge!”

“Oh Edgar you’re so incorrigible.”

“You know Madge I…,” but before Edgar could recommend a quiet, shady place Anarchy shoves him from his mountain bike launching a chocolate, peanut butter almond ice cream cone up, up, up and down square into his face muffling, “Hhheeeyyy.”

Slow and wobbly at first Anarchy gains balance and races off meandering through pedestrians.  Max hot on the coat tails reaches Madge shows his badge, “Ma’am my name is Max and I work for Madness Management, I need your bike.”

Madge:  “Who?”

“Never mind,” Max grabs the bike and with a running start mounts it with the grace of an ice skater then takes chase.

Madge still in control of the waffle cone comforts Edgar.

Anarchy leads Max onto and over the roundabout at 6th and Esther Street a few times hoping to dizzy the agent but Max is strong following onto Washington Street leaning into the sharp left turn onto Columbia toward the Interstate Lift Bridge.  Drivers honk horns, shout, and use other forms of expression as the two agents squeeze onto the bridge’s pedestrian walkway and out across the Columbia River towards Oregon.   Just as Max is within arm’s length of halting lawlessness three blasts of the bridges’ horn warns of an approaching barge and a pending a lift.  The agent of Anarchy kicks into a lower gear and, standing on pedals, pushes hard clearing the span before security gates fall in place.


Dennis secure on the Oregon side hits the brakes, climbs off the bike, turns toward Max stuck behind the security gate and with a salute and smug smile, “You lose Maxwell, until we meet again!”

Max is aghast watching Dennis jump from the bridge until he sees the slow moving barge he lands on.


At first, the voice is faint, buffered by strong winds blowing downriver out of The Gorge, “Max, Max, Max.”

Looking left, then right, “Max, down here!”

Max’s head swings down to the river, “Alvilda!”

One is easily duped by her hour-glass figure, blonde hair and robust blue eyes; Alvilda, always in the right place at the right time Alvilda, intuitively commandeered a 25’ Bayliner Yacht and now idles under the bridge just below Max an airstream blows through her long, blonde hair like a flag, shapely figure defined by the black Pleasant Discovery uniform.

Alvilda:  “Jump Max!”

Always doing right Max attaches a note to the bike, “Sorry about the bike, Max agent of Madness Management” then leaps 55’ landing upright on both feet, knees slightly bent.  Impeccable balance from all the spy training, Max straightens up right into a mouthful of Alvilda’s hair.

“Hold on Max,” shouts Alvilda inching the throttle forward heading for the barge.

Fighting from within that hair Max shouts, “I didn’t know you could steer a boat?”

“Madness Management offers boating classes, How to Commandeer and Steer a Yacht in Times of Peril.  Look Max we’re gaining.”

Comfortable in the pilot seat of the commandeered barge Dennis flips switches and turn dials on the ship’s radio, “Chaos 1, Chaos 1 this Mayhem abandon, repeat abandon.”

The radio crackles with a response, “Mayhem, Mayhem this is Chaos 1 read you loud and clear.

Dennis sits back awaiting rescue believing he is in the clear even though the barge tears through the water at a stunning 8 mph.   Alvilda steadies the yacht while Max, bullhorn in hand, announces, “Give up you have nowhere to run!”

Undaunted Dennis hears the whup-whup-whup of a nearing helicopter and readies for his escape however, no sooner than this thought enters his mind it is vanquished as two F-15 C Eagles  (from Portland called in by Chief) chases off the copter.

Dennis now applies section 4, subsection 1a of the Spies Code Book (always leave yourself an out) by crashing the barge into a cement pier, then dashing up a flight of stairs but is immediately apprehended by agents of M&M lead by Chief.  Another scheme of Anarchy effectively foiled.

Alvilda expertly maneuvers the yacht against the pier dock, Max ties it off and both race up the stairs.

Just as the hand-cuffed Dennis is lead off Chief speaks, “Nice job you two.”

Chief suddenly feels a tight squeeze on his left forearm, “Chief the sample cart it is still set up in the middle of the store!”

Chief:  “So what of it Max. “

Max:  “We’re responsible for stowing it away; can you imagine the difficulties future Event Specialists would encounter, the chaos.  I’m going to have that riding my conscious, no sir.”

Chief:  “Max forget about it the store will handle it.“

“Nothing doing Chief, come on Alvilda.”

“Bye Chief,” Alvilda reluctantly adds.

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Thank you and stay tuned!



By jimberly

I enjoy photography, writing, walking, nature, reading, and of course the coooolest game on earth HOCKEY! I took up photography in 9th grade and seeing the world in a different light wanting to, of course, photograph everything, unfortunately not everything comes out the way I'd like.

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