Filth Test

Changing careers is daunting mountains of paperwork, benefit packages, employee handbooks, training, training, training and, of course, the voluntary drug test that if declined your employment most likely is in decline.

The following actually occurred so help me, me:




Hhhhmmmm, slowing the Ford Galaxy I find the address correct however, the business facade is hard to determine as cornerstone for neighbors.  Somewhere on the door or window a business name must be the many decals for blood samples, specimens, insurance claims obscure; what the heck I’ll take a chance and there in a minute corner just above the door handle I get my answer this indeed is Quest Laboratories.

Waiting room cramped, cell phone junkies occupy cheap chairs, one cannot stop his legs from seat dancing.

No receptionist to check in with so take a rest in one of the inexpensive chairs and wait, wait, wait, and wait.  What’s this a pamphlet for testing government employees I wonder if there is a trickle up affect test.

Nothing to announce my arrival so voices from the back, I walk the hall towards.

“Hello, can someone help me.”

“One moment shorthanded,” a stressed voice cries out.

“How can I help you.”

Hand email with lab registration number plus photo I.D.

“I’m here for a drug test.”

“Step this way,” strained voice guides to small office.

“Please be seated.”

High back chair flattens underweight, computer desk worn, tired walls nearly bare need repair.

Name keyed, “Hhhmm,” DOB input and again, “Hhhmmm” something wrong.

“What is you SSN?”


Name, DOB, and SSN return different person than I

Holy Cow, how!

Yank and pull grey hair!

Attendant assisting remains calm makes call to company

Wait, wait, wait, and wait.

I stare at worn, dirty carpet.

Then to picture less wall with American flag wondering how something so great can be mixed-up so easily.


“Hello I am calling in regards to James Pykonen who is here to do a drug test.  I have tried the DOB, SSN, driver I.D., and the lab registration number he supplied but come up with a different person.  Ok, alright thank you.”

Company rep to correct through supervisor.

Back to the reception area seats now empty water cooler motionless; I begin writing of this tale.

Wait, wait, wait, and wait.

Ring, ring, ring understanding assistant, now enjoying a light lunch responds, “Hello, yes, yes he is still here.  Un huh, ok thank you,”

“Mr. Pykonen you are set we can now proceed.”

“Yeah,” expressing relief walking back into office.

“Seems the individual handing out reference numbers wasn’t paying attention and gave you someone else’s.”

Deep inside I want to scream and yell, find out this persons’ name and read them the riot act but all that passes between the lips is a loud, steady laugh.

Lab assistant explains well know cup procedure.

The needed sample supplied is handed back to the assistant, I get a receipt and am explained what happens next.

Once again I am free!

3 responses to “Filth Test”

  1. Serendipitous Web Life. : ) Avatar
    Serendipitous Web Life. : )

    Eeekkk… not very enjoyable.

    Maybe you could pretend you were donating sperm?


      1. Serendipitous Web Life. : ) Avatar
        Serendipitous Web Life. : )



Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: